Near To You
by WhiteDaisies
Summary: Pete helps Myka deal with letting go. And where she is now.


Near to you

AN: this is based on a song by A Fine Frenzy called Near To You. I don't know why but this scene popped into my head while listening to the song.

I don't own anything, song, characters, all borrowed. But I'll give them back undamaged!

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The sky opened and rain poured down from the heavens. I stood out there, waiting and watching. My feet were cemented to the ground below me, holding me there, tortured. The night Sam died it was just like this. The sky was clear all day until suddenly with one crack of thunder it covered over and began to pour. It was a bad omen but I ignored it. I don't, didn't, believe they existed.

_He and I had something beautiful  
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last  
I loved him so but I let him go  
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back_

Our relationship was a whirl wind of emotions that were too strong for me to understand. I held onto him, I trusted him with my life. And he trusted me with his. But I was his second love, and that would never change. His wife had him first, his son. I got what was left over. But that little bit, that left over part of his life, it was strong enough to hold me. I felt most alive when I was with him, every nerve in my body came sensed, moved and existed. But it wasn't like that for him, it never was. I filled a void but not the void.

I loved him more than he could love me. He was my world, my love, my partner. I was his partner and his lover. And being someone's love is different entirely from being their lover. I knew this instinctively, intuitively. But he was my drug and I didn't think I could live without him.

_Such pain as this  
Shouldn't have to be experienced  
I'm still reeling from the loss,  
Still a little bit delirious_

I shouldn't have to feel this way. He took me in, he opened my heart and he left me, cold and used and scared. I am standing in the rain, hoping no one will notice that some of the water is from tears. All because I let him in. I promised myself that would never happen again. I had learned my lesson, that part of my life was over. Never again would I love someone with my whole heart because a huge hole was left where he used to be. For days I couldn't eat or sleep. I couldn't read or do anything but stare into the blankness. And even still, right now, I feel his presence and it fills me. And it hurts even more when I realize he's gone and can't ever truly fill that void again. It catches me off guard and I can't breathe.

_Near to you, I am healing  
But it's taking so long  
'Cause though he's gone  
And you are wonderful  
It's hard to move on  
Yet, I'm better near to you.  
_

Silently an arm comes around the small of my back. It holds me tight and I feel the warmth emanating from Pete's body. He doesn't say a word, he doesn't ask what's wrong. He doesn't need to. He's another man I've trusted with my life but I won't, I can't let him in that far. I'm healing the hole in my heart but I can't afford for another one to be torn in its place.

His presence soothes me, comforts me. The sobs wracking my body cease and only he and I exist in the universe. He and I and the rain. He didn't bother with a coat he came to me as he was and was willing to get drenched for me. He makes me safe and keeps me sane. Though I'd hate to admit it.

_You and I have something different  
And I'm enjoying it cautiously  
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard  
To get back to who I used to be  
_

He pulls me into a hug and I bury my face in his shoulder. His left arm circles the small of my back and his right hand digs into my hair. I'm not the same person I used to be. Before Sam, I wouldn't be in his arms. I wouldn't be in the rain. I wouldn't be in South Dakota for God's sake. I know the me I used to be but I can't find her. I can't see her through the haze of life anymore.

I feel the warmth and comfort and I let myself enjoy it for a moment. This is a different feeling than I've ever felt before. I totally trust Pete but I don't trust myself. This, this is undefineable.

_  
He's disappearing  
Fading subtly  
I'm so close to being yours  
Won't you stay with me  
Please  
_

Standing in his arms, the pain fades. His memory doesn't hold me as tightly anymore. My breath comes easier and I feel the presence of the ghost lift from the area. Alone, I couldn't fight it but surrounded in his strength the fear goes away. The sobbing stills and I stand there in your arms, feeling your heart beat. Pete's real, Pete's alive, Pete's home.

He pulls away just far enough to see my face but I hold him tight. The warmth I felt is slipping the further away he gets from me and I cling to his shirt. "Don't leave me." I whisper softly.

_Near to you, I am healing  
But it's taking so long  
'Cause though he's gone  
And you are wonderful  
It's hard to move on  
Yet, I'm better near to you.  
_

"I'm not going anywhere." He holds me tight again and begins to move his feet. He circles us around slowly, dancing to a tune only he can hear. But it's comforting none the less. His fingers trace circles on my lower back and I think "this is a wonderful man." For a moment I allow myself to think this is where I belong.

_I only know that I am  
Better where you are  
I only know that I am  
Better where you are  
I only know that I belong  
Where you are_

I know I'm damaged. I know I'm difficult. But I now fear being torn from this safe haven, once and for all. I never thought this would be my greatest fear. But I feel better when he's near.

_Near to you, I am healing  
But it's taking so long  
Though he's gone  
And you are wonderful  
It's hard to move on_

Near to you, I am healing  
But it's taking so long  
'Cause though he's gone  
And you are wonderful  
It's hard to move on  
Yet, I'm better near to you.

Yet, I'm better near to you.


End file.
